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Letters from Proxima Thule

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On Valentine's Day
heteronormative
catvalente
I posted this essay on Valentine's Day last year. It is everything I want to say on the subject, and I want to say it again this year. So here is the re-post, which will likely be annual from here on out, until everyone stops calling it a Hallmark Holiday. Here's wishing you all a happy Geoff-day.

***

I have never understood the desire to stomp all over Valentine's Day and snuff it out. Every year I look over my friends' list and it's a litany of "This is a fake Hallmark holiday and no one should celebrate it" and "I hate this day, who's with me?" and my personal favorite guilt trip: "If you REALLY loved your partner, you'd treat them specially every day."

I don't get it. I don't understand the fervor to destroy a holiday. To force others to see it through the same black glasses. To shame anyone who celebrates the 14th with anything other than bile, vitriol, and the occasional superior sneer.

I know that most of us were shunned on Valentine's Day in school. Believe me, my little cubby was empty, just like yours, and I yearned for a construction paper heart from boy after boy--and never got them. I understand that there is a history of trauma, and the standard geek reaction to past trauma is to organize the world so that there is no chance of that trauma re-occurring. Thus, Valentine's Day must be killed.

But here's the thing. This world is a beautiful place, but it is also often dark, and cold, and unfeeling, and life slips by, not because it is short, but because it is so difficult to hold onto. Holidays, rituals, these things demarcate the time. They remind us of the sharpness of pleasure and the nearness of death. They tell us when the sun leaves, and when it comes back. They tell us to dance and they tell us to sleep. They tell us who we are, who we have been since we lived on the savannah and hoped to taste cheetah before we died. I know we're all punk rock rebels, but the paleolithic joy of fucking in the fields and dancing around a fire doesn't go away just because certain of us would like to think we're beyond that. This world needs more holidays, not less. More ritual, the gorgeous, flexible, non-dogmatic kind that isn't about religion but about ecstasy in the sheer humanness of our bodies and souls. More chances to reach out, to sing, to love, to bedeck ourselves in ritual colors and become splendid as the year turns around.

And no, I'm sorry. It doesn't work to say "make every day special." First of all, most of you know damn well that you don't shower your partner with gifts and adoration and that most precious of things: dedicated, mindful time every day of the year. Even the best relationship is not a 24/7 orgiastic festival of plenty and perfect moments. No human can sustain it. If every day is special, none of them are. If every day is special, specialness becomes monotony. What makes days special is the time between, the anticipation of a the day, the planning, the surprises, coming together, cooking, playing, reveling in sheer time, watching the dedicated colors and rituals that wire our brain for pleasure spring up in the world to remind us that we live in it. The entire purpose of holidays is that they are a kind of otherworld we step into, full of special symbols, that informs and shapes everyday life--and some of life, no matter how some bloggers would like to deny it in their Grinchitude, is always everyday.

We celebrate the harvest. We celebrate the spring. We celebrate birthdays and death-days and the beginning of the year and the end of the year. We celebrate our parents and labor and Presidents. What in the world is so terribly wrong with celebrating love? I know not all of us have partners, but it is a rare soul who is without love of any kind. What kind of shrunken, sour heart does it take to insist that everyone else stop delighting in ritual and love? So few of us post about the magic of holidays--I think they're ashamed to. It's not cool to take unabashed pleasure in the silly and the soft-hearted.

As for the commercialism of it--well. It is commercial. So is every holiday, yet somehow we don't stomp all over Easter the way we tar and feather Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is no more a fake holiday than any other. If I hear someone call it a Hallmark holiday I'm actually going to scream. I'm only going to say this once:

Valentine's Day, boys and girls, entered the Western mind in Chaucer's Parlement of Foules, fully-realized as a day to celebrate love via an obscure saint, with red hearts and everything. Yes, celebrated in an allegorical bird-nation, but guess what? That makes it even more awesome. I will take a holiday my buddy Geoff invented over almost any other. If I had my way, we'd start exchanging bird-themed gifts and ditch Cupid.

This is a great holiday. It's pure physical, sensual pleasure, divorced from any dogma at this point. Saint whatever. Pass the sex and food.

And as a medieval holiday, it has quite a long pedigree, thank you very much, even if you don't count in the Lupercalia (which you really shouldn't, unless wolf skins play a large part in your personal celebrations. If so, more power to you). The fact is, some human made up every single holiday there is. They're ALL fake. No one is more real or authentic than any other. At least this one was invented by a broke poet instead of a bunch of sex-starved priests. We live in a postmodern world--everything is what we make it. If Hallmark wants to force mainstream kids to buy jewelry they can't afford, they're more than welcome. I don't have to care about that, or take part in it. But I also don't have to get up on a soapbox and crush their joy in it. I know better. I know this day is an act of literature made flesh. But their world is not less valid for being Geoff-less.

And more than Geoff--think about it for a second. In the midst of winter, we are encouraged to come together and have sex (let's not be coy.) To escape the snow and ice in each others' bodies. The colors are red and rose and white--the colors of fire in the winter, of blood, of flesh, survival even in the barren times. We exchange hearts, the very vital core of our bodies. It is the last holiday before spring, to remind us that the fertile world will come again, with flowers and sweetness and love. Even surrounded by death, by blood on the snow, be it St. Valentine's blood or your own, life will win out. The traditional food is chocolate--which can be preserved through the winter and does not rot, full of sugar and fat which keep our bodies going through lean times. This holiday is as old as time: o world, even in the freezing storm, come together, make love, make children, feast, smile, and know the sun is coming soon.

Seriously, you have to stop trying to take that away. If you remove ritual from the world, you leave it greyer, and sadder, and all you have in its place is the triumph of having ruined something another person loved, which is a shallow and bitter triumph indeed. Get down off the soapbox, have a little chocolate, look out at the melting snow, and say something kind to someone you love. To be human is to take part in ritual, to demarcate the time with feasting and song and vestments and ecstasy. Life slips by, so very fast. Spend it in the practice of joy, not the destruction of it.

Happy Valentine's Day. Geoff bless us. Every one.


I needed this. *snugz* Thank you.

What you said! Linking ensues.

Well said :)

Commercialism over holidays can get a bit annoying at times, but that isn't a good reason to ignore/ruin a holiday.

I like Valentines day myself. My husband and I are celebrating the romantic aspect of it, but I also like to think of it as a chance to appreciate family and friends as well. Of course I grew up with my mom sending out Valentines to her friends and family, ones she makes. I have fond memories of running up to the local print shop with her so she could have copies made once she was set with the drawing she'd done.

i work for wholefoods and our theme for valentine's day this year is a little pink bird! i think someone at our marketing office has a literary background!

this is my second favorite holiday to decorate for. i despise pink the rest of the year but for valentine's i get all excited about red and pink. halloween is my favorite decorating holiday.

This is just so incredibly good, and says everything I've been trying to say about Valentine's Day for years. Thank you so much for sharing.

Also, I reposted, with full credit to you, on my journal. I hope that's okay. If it's not, please let me know and I can pull it down or change to a link ASAP.

Edited at 2010-02-14 05:27 pm (UTC)

Thank you for this essay! I'm linking to it and sharing the sane-ness!

I will quote my beloved English professor when explaining to us that the smale foules in the opening lines of the Canterbury Tales were, like the rest of that paean to spring, a really naughty symbol: "Birds are very sexy. ...They may not strike you as sexy. [Beat] ...but they strike each other as sexy." Okay.

Also, a house on chicken legs and a book that has no ending and cuts off right when someone's about to give a big speech, FTW!

This is lovely, true, and needed. Thank you.

A low rumble is heard and the skies in the distance darken with dust thrown up by screeching rubber. A silver mustang comes into view, hanging out the window is a bosomy redhead with a virtual butterfly net. As the car speeds recklessly towards you, she reaches out, snags the url for this post, and dives back into the car. You feel the wind of it's passing as she gives two honks and heads for her own LJ and her Facebook to link the world

Just so you know: I would have put a valentine in your little cubby. I hope you enjoy the day.

I love what you have written here. Especially about celebrating the moments and not trying to convince ourselves that life should be just 'every day special'. It's an oxymoron.

"Oh, if life were made of moments, Even now and then a bad one! But if life were only moments, Then you'd never know you had one. -- Into the Woods, Stephen Sondheim."

Well said. I am going to show my daughter this. You have caused me to reconsider this holiday. :)

Happy Valentine's Day.

First of all, most of you know damn well that you don't shower your partner with gifts and adoration and that most precious of things: dedicated, mindful time every day of the year.

i've been married 9+ years.

i tell my wife multiple times every day that she's awesome and the bestest thing evar!

i call her multiple times a day from/to work just to say "hi" and "i love you".

i buy her stuff randomly that she really wants but would never get herself.

i give her hugs and kisses when she just wants to be held and not have to talk.

i try to listen (not always successfully).

i respect who she is and want her to love herself and be confident in who she is.

i make sure her children respect her.

i miss her when she's not there.

i don't need "valentine's day."

Edited at 2010-02-15 01:33 am (UTC)

Guess What

(Anonymous)
U must be like 12 cause this is the only Holiday that is freestyle... and every year it causes a war in my house.... so I have a right to hate it don't take that away from me... and I have been with my mate for 10yrs... someone need to create some guidlines rules or tradition... and know we can't create our on tradition... cause that would take the spice out of it...

Yes! I linked this on my blog today also. I LOVE holidays, and not just the official ones when I get paid for not working. I would like to suggest that everyone celebrate a holiday I invented - Broderick Crawford Day. It's on October 4 (10-4). Most of you kids probably never saw the old Highway Patrol TV show. You can download it on Hulu. At its best, it was never very good, Old BC would end every conversation on his patrol car radio with "ten-four!!".

Man, every time I read your blog I get jazzed about something. I'm gonna go make a valentine for myself, just to have one.

Well....

....

Okay, you have a point.

Since you bring Chaucer and whatnot into it....