Living for the Revel (catvalente) wrote,
Living for the Revel

  • Mood:

Slider, You Stink

So I went to the drug store yesterday because my deodorant is starting to irritate my skin and I needed to switch brands.

justbeast  said: "Oooh! I discovered a new kind that doesn't have aluminum in it, but has silver ions instead!"

And then he became extra adorable and explained with excitement that this is how you make water holy in Russia, by sticking a silver cross in it, because silver purifies, and even his mom kept a jar of water with silver coins in it in the house and gave it to him to drink when he was sick and he's like a walking novel, this guy. I entertained thoughts of holy deodorant and was mildly excited to try the stuff.

Cue the drug store.

A sea of pastel blue "girl" deodorants. A sea of black and red "boy" deodorants. The silver ion stuff is made by Degree. It is only available for boys.

For girls? It says: "Body Responsive for Those Emotional Moments!" and has a picture of a swishing dress without a body in it.

Degree for men has a black case with deep sparkling blue accents, and says Silver Ion Technology in Star Trek font with a picture of a silver atom below it.

And I start to get mad. What the hell is this patriarchal segregating shit in my deodorant? Why is there a reference to emotions on about 50% of the deodorant for women? But the men get SCIENCE on theirs, and not those icky emotions, because they don't have any, even though of the emotional sweaters I know, practically all of them are men. Not to mention the weird sexual undertones of the hip and breast emphasized headless and legless body image and the phrase "body responsive" right next to it.

The thing is, men's deodorant smells like an Abercrombie & Fitch store. It makes me choke. I don't even like it on men. Especially since Axe came on the scene with their patented Date Rape and Douchebag scents. (TM, I'm fucking sure.) So I stare at the stupid girl section for like 20 minutes, because I cannot support this Emotional Moments bullshit, and both Dove and Secret (what is WITH these names?) irritate my skin. Also Tom's of Maine and that crystal crap don't work.

I kept thinking: ok, if you want to be assholes and insist it's the 50s, fine, but if there was a single black case, even if it had a silver swirl or something on it, it would stand out in this pastel miasma, and every girl ever would buy it. Slap a silver necklace on it, I don't care, but I want my magical holy Russian science deodorant!

I kept thinking: omg, it's science fiction and fantasy. The boy's products have atoms on them, the girls have magical sparkles. The boys' say Arctic Edge. The girls' say Gentle Showers. IT'S SO BLATANT. HOLD ME BACK I AM GOING TO RIOT RIGHT NOW.

I kept thinking: we have taken a wrong timeline and are in a grim meathook dystopia. This is morally wrong. WHY DO I HAVE TO SMELL LIKE GENTLE NON-THREATENING SHOWERS OF CHERRY AND FREESIA?!

I ended up buying the silver ion science fiction strong man penis metal boys rule girls drool deodorant. I picked the least strong smelling one and will just live with it. It's not like I like the baby powder girls's scents, either. I want my silver ions, goddammit.

Degree, you suck. The only Emotional Moments (which WAS trademarked, as if Degree owns emotions now) I experienced today were blind rage at being genderfucked by your marketing department. Is there a scent for that?


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