November 1st, 2009

no face

Coke and 2030

I wrote this yesterday but didn't finish--I still want to post it the night before my wedding, thinking still about all this, while so many people I love are here.

***

It's very early in the morning on Friday, the first day of wedding celebrations. I can't sleep. I'm not really nervous, it's mainly that I drank two cans of Coke so as to stay up and arrange the reception playlist and make baubles for justbeast 's bachelor party. And now I'm all wide awake. I have to leave at 7 to meet my mother, grandmother, and aunt for breakfast on the east side, so it seemed like a good plan to just get up and take a shower, eat some leftover blini and read some excerable gossip blogs.

And think about everything. Because, you know, weddings always come at the end of a story, they are the culmination, the reward. Lizzie and Darcy speed toward death from that point on. It's not like that, outside books and movies, but books and movies are half my world, so I can't help considering the many stories that are going to end and begin on Sunday.

Somehow this all ties into How I Met Your Mother for me. I've only ever watched it here with theferrett and zoethe , but what strikes me about it is the credit sequence, the faded future photographs of people we watch living in the present, a kind of predetermination in sun damage. Half of me says: images don't deteriorate like that anymore. Sure, digital photos degrade, but there is no golden glow seeping up from the bottom, that old chemical dance of time. Half of me can't help but think: I am 30 now. When my mother was 30 I was 5 already. I remember my father's 29th birthday. I remember my uncles, who seemed like titans to me, but they were so young, really, only in their late teens and early twenties. It's this mobius strip of generations, and as I have no children of my own yet, I only see it in my memories of the young family that raised me, and who they are now, and who I am now, grown up, around and around.

I know I will get older and in 2030 I'll tell the story of how I met my second husband. I think of it like those photographs, existing in some celestial closet of time past and time future, growing more and more golden as everything ticks by. But right now, oh, right now I feel so young, and so strong, and so in love, and so ready for the rest of my life, so able and excited about the world. I am so glad I am going into marriage feeling that way, just as I know it won't last forever, that there are knees yet to go and more fallow years and suffering enough to go around. I want to hold onto this feeling, that 30 was really the beginning of the life I wanted to have, and the final break with the bad old days I had to live through to get here. (It shows so starkly in the state of this wedding compared to my first--surrounded, now, by so many loved ones from near and far, family, clothes and jewelry and so many things made by my heroes and friends, and a man next to me who actually wants to marry me, who wouldn't want to be anywhere else.)

Tonight, I feel more vital than I ever did as a teenager, clear as cut glass. I think that might mean I'm ready to get married.



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  • 09:04 Wedding folk: hashtag for the wedding is #beastlybride, upload photos to the pool at: bit.ly/2gCeWl #
  • 09:07 I feel we should have made con tags for this wedding. #
  • 10:53 Hey twitter, how come the flags are at half mast? #
  • 01:04 Oh my god, so much awesome in one night, so many people, so much crazed beauty. Bachelor/ette party for the record books. #beastlybride #
  • 01:17 @justbeast's niece Nika wins Halloween. Came out in Little Mermaid costume, looked at me very solemnly, then took out pair of vampire teeth. #
  • 01:25 #beastlybride The wedding weekend feels like it's going so fast. #
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