March 19th, 2008


Gunboa Diplomacy

There is a film. It might be the greatest film of all time. It might make you cry, it might terrify you, it might fill you with ineffable hope or despair for the future of man.

I wouldn't know. I haven't seen it.

I haven't seen it because the cover copy was so completely awesome that it obliterated  in a stroke all need to actually view the film itself, and rooted its phraseology directly into the daily speech of Cat and her Beast. I had to sit down on the floor of the video store to calm myself from the waves of greatness attacking my every cell. Writing wins. Film loses.

That film is Boa vs. Python.

For some clearly nefarious reason Amazon does not reprint the cover copy, but I am here to reproduce for you the essential line which elevates this film above all other snake-featuring pretenders:

When an enormous python escapes from a game reserve and attacks the city, the FBI is forced to release an equally large boa to hunt it down!

I'm willing to accept that there may be a more awesome movie in the vaults somewhere--though it must contain "vs." to qualify--but you must admit: this is the greatest response to crisis management ever invented in the history of the world.

Aside from the implication that the FBI has a bunch of boas of varying sizes hanging out in Quantico, and that they would choose one approximately the same size as the titular python and not one that's, you know, bigger, this is the best public policy system I have ever heard. Dubya is not the Decider. The motherfucking boa is the Decider. I picture a serious man in a serious suit, red tie, salt and pepper hair, maybe a cane, entering the Situation Room with a grave expression and a thin green folder.

"Gentlemen, the time has come. We have no other choice."

"But sir!" says a hapless intern. "We could try conventional bombing!"

And the Serious Man shoots him a glare of pure hatred and disdain and strokes the sensuous skin of his beloved serpent as it rests its head on its master's Armani-clad knee and hisses quietly. If this scene is not in the movie, do not tell me, for I will not believe you.

It really shouldn't be a last resort, though, my good man! It should be your first, last, and only resort! There is literally no problem that cannot be solved by releasing an equally large boa. I use it in my everyday life, and it can work for everyone!

You cannot argue that the outcome would not have been infinitely preferable if, instead of $30 billion, the Federal Reserve had released an equally large boa into the Bear Stearns offices.

Bogged down in an ill-considered invasion with no way out in sight? Release an equally large boa, my friend. It'll work itself out.

Political party tangled up in two egomaniacal candidates who won't quit or work together? I believe an equally large boa will bring them to terms.

Britney Spears running amok, pursued by an army of gloating, culture-devouring morons? Equally large boa.

LJ cancels basic accounts, censors interests, and mouths off about it in Russian? Why boycott when you can release an EQUALLY LARGE BOA?

There is no problem to which this policy cannot be applied, with results in the range of awesome to fucking awesome.

Join me, my comrades. The time has come to put aside our petty partisan differences and embrace the only real agent of reform in these degenerate times. We have no other choice.

If we all put our boas together, we can bring about true change. 
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