Indifference and the Universe
And all afternoon I pretty much listened to Symphony of Science on a loop--it's so beautiful I want to cry, and the videos are so gently sweet and gorgeous--I feel odd about thinking Carl Sagan was kind of hot. But looking at those scientists is bittersweet--some of them are gone now, and especially Sagan who was such a unique man (Contact is still one of my favorite books and one of the first SF ones I ever read when I was a kid) and who left so many people behind whose lives had been picked up and moved around just by him being there. And the way these people talk about the universe--I don't even find poetry like that in actual volumes of poetry any more.
Anyway, it fills me with longing. And that sincerity again, laying me flat out--because I went to buy Professor Elemental's album tonight as I adore the Cup of Brown Joy tea song and was sort of shocked to find the album called The Indifference Engine--clever, yes, but, but, I don't want to be indifferent! I don't want my art to be indifferent! Not what I make and not what I consume. I want to mean everything passionately and sometimes be too loud about it or too sentimental and yeah, sometimes I care so much about shit that it comes out angry and weird or super heart-on-sleeve like OH RIGHT NOW and I know I can be all aggro with my opinions but at least I'm not indifferent! I want to be...different! To everything! Like, the WHOLE POINT of ever being a writer was that I had all this excess FEELING and THINKING about things, and I GOT EXCITED. Indifference is frightening and cold and a little ugly, and the affected uncaring of the cool disturbs me. The SoS songs are kind of dorky but they are not indifferent, not to anything--not what the men are saying in them and not the musicians who put them together. I don't want to be cool and hang out with cool people who are cool about cool things. I want to be hot, burning, all the time, and full up of things, of books and music and beauty and trains headed south through the autumn rain. I don't want indifference! Never, never. Anything in this world but that. And though I still love the tea song I love Carl Sagan more. If you're tired of Carl, then you're tired of life.