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The X-Files Movie
writing!
catvalente
What. the Fuck.

Hay guys! What should we do tonight? Same thing we do every night, Pinky, ruin a beloved franchise

I know! Let's make a new X-Files movie! It'll have no aliens and nothing to do with the mythology, INSTEAD, it'll be just like an incredibly long, drawn-out, 3rd tier Season 1 episode! EXCEPT instead of being fun or having any spark or sense of the old time awesome crimefighting duo, it'll embrace the dreary fucking overly serious garbage everyone hated in the last two seasons! AND THERE'S MORE! The plot will be a half-assed, poorly thought-out medical bullshit magical stem cells women in extremis gagfest, so unrelated to anything that anyone, including Mulder and Scully, cares about, that this might as well be Law & Order: the Motion Picture, combined with the most tired "Scully's faith is tested" nonsense we can scrape up off the Season 7 floor! And THEN, instead of showing even a modicum of joy, ever, in Mulder and Scully's relationship, we'll just show them breaking up. Oh, and there will be almost no paranormal content at all, except for vague mumblings from Billy Connelly, who is, let's face it, no Clyde Bruckman. Because really, what everyone loved about the X-Files was watching two middle-aged C-list actors wander around aimlessly looking depressed and not making out until they stumble over random gay evildoers through the magic of prayer. After 6 years and 2 epically bad final seasons, we have to get back to basics and give the fans what they want!

Oh, and December 22nd, 2012? Is that, like, when the next Batman is coming out?

It. Was. So. Awful.

Chris Carter just wrote fan fiction--bad fan fiction--about his own show.

I need to go scrub my brain now.